I’m gonna write something nice (even if it kills me)

I’m trying.

Really I am.

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Reassure myself and you

This note is here to reassure anyone reading my blog that I truly use WordPress as a therapy tool.

Here I express some of my worst fears and frustrations and sometimes hopes and love, through creative writing, rhyming, poetry, prose or “whathaveyou”. This place is my only outlet, my only truth and I need to use it to benefit me.

Beyond my writing, I enrich and expand my thinking by reading many other people’s poems and stories, etc…

Thank you for taking the time to read and write.

discover my hangups/blame them on you

To Me:

I insist on the discovery of something “new”, I mean anything.  Sounds easy, seems like a natural activity.

The amount of discoveries already found, or invented, or claimed by another are just that. For example, the discovery of gravity, although very interesting and not to be undone or considered a lie is still just gravity. My point being, that the discovery of gravity has no bearing on what we can discover on our own.  (dear reader feel free to disagree with me) just remember I am writing this for me and no one else.

What I love about discovery is you can take it, claim it as your own, and then either prove it or disprove it.

Most problematic is the original idea. What have I discovered? Has someone else already found this same idea? If they have come up with the same idea…may I meet them please and see if they want to fuck (I mean compare thoughts).

I rack my brain and I can’t think of any original thoughts that I might have had in recent years, but who knows what kind of worlds I spun in my childhood. (Well I do, at least some of them).

My childhood is gone. In it’s place is the age I am now; here I discover truth, pain, and love in a way, but not in all ways; meaning love is subjective.

At the beginning of this little opinion I insisted on a new discovery, no excuses, no giving up.

Here is my discovery:

Personal discovery:  My body is changing in ways I thought would never happen. When I was young, I swore my body would be forever perfect. (not saying I was perfect by the United States chart of perfection) but my bones didn’t move, poke out, teeth didn’t fall out and my eyes didn’t change every year. Plus mentally wow, the older I get the crazier shit i believe will happen at any given moment.

Wanna know why?  It is all about life experience. The more pain, sorrow, jail time, abuse, bullying, and being shunned by society you receive, the more your body, mind, and soul soak it in. With me it produced fear, anxiety, anger and a need to be on the defensive.

I love to hide. I love to be alone. Which leads to another discovery.

People in general need other people around them. The social climate, the conversations, the relating to common problems and solutions bring humans together.

Here is the kicker…watch your shin…

I call my discovery “leave me alone” discovery. This discovery is blown out of the water by everyone I discuss it with and although they have a point, their point serves only to poke them in the eye.

Fact:  I am living proof of a non acceptable person in this society.

I remember my first encounter with my grade school “peers”, it was pure confusion that became horror and then I found my shell and tried my damnedest to hide there.

This discovery is longer than I want so I will say this:

Of these bullies or hottie totties who treated me like I was less than human, I feel you might have had your own troubles at home which you expressed by tormenting others.  Guess What? I would still knock your teeth in if I had the chance, because I think you deserve it. And honestly I feel 50% of you were not abused but you were just plain fucking mean and I would bury you in a hot second.

I am the great wasted mind who will keep thinking of things needing my discovery.

I have to know why, I want to understand why an egg and a sperm meet and form a human being. And then why that human being? And then why those parents? And then why the hate? And then why the chaos? So many questions in my mind, and I don’t care if anyone else cares about these things. I love when someone else does though.

My discoveries come through answers, not ignorance. Or perhaps vice versa.

Why do humans hate? How do humans claim love? Honestly, you can’t love the hate and hate the love. All the fucked up bullshit, in my book, in your book is a different read. Does that mean you or I need to physically harm another for not coming to the same discovery that we claim for our own?

Note: I wrote this 2 months ago, but it is now I feel like daring to share it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

prove it